How much have you loved? Hmmmmmm. I guess this is an easy question if love referred to is romantic love. One. One person. Ever. Never told any other boyfriend that I loved him. Never wanted to, never thought about it. I didn't know I loved Chris until we were 18, 1/2 way through our freshman year and very close to him breaking my heart. We said it for the first time in his sister's small attic apartment where she lived as a newlywed in Provo, UT. I was visiting Chris for the final time (unbeknownst to me) from Rexburg and Pam and Matt went to bed, and he told me he loved me. On a hide-a-bed. I said it back. We said it back and forth, asking to hear it again and again.
Since there are two relationships in our history...the first one and the second one...there's another "I love you" moment. This was when we were 24. It had been a year or so since we had started our friendship back up again, but only a month since we'd become an item for the second time. I had spent the year as friend, wanting more, but not wanting to fall in love with someone who didn't have the same path before him as I did, so I kept my distance and I guess he felt the same way, because he didn't put the moves on me until he was pretty solid on my path. (Religiously speaking.) We spent a ton of time together when I was in town and when I was at college, we'd talk for hours and email daily and yet never really assume that we were heading toward more than friends. Anyway, it was nearly impossible for me to keep from shouting "I love you" at him when we were just friends, so when we became more...one weekend...in Colorado, and then went a month apart...it got really hard. He bought me a ticket home for Easter weekend because it was two months from our rekindling and my graduation, and Easter was smack in the middle of those two months. I was home a short time, with him most of it, and when he took me to the airport, he got out of his truck, me on the curb to say goodbye and I just gushed, "I love you!!" wholeheartedly, like it was the most exciting and yet normal thing to say. He didn't think so, and didn't say it back. I'm sure it caught him off guard, well, I know it did and I'm glad he didn't say it back until he was sure he wanted to. I was so glad I said it, it was like how you feel better after you throw up...just a great analogy, right?
Chris is the only person I ever said it to, but he is also the only person I have felt it for. Love has changed from that simple, I-can't-stand-being-away-from-you kind of feeling to a thanks-for-sticking-around kind of comfort that I really treasure. Sometimes love has felt like giddiness. Other times it has felt like obligation. When I am happiest in love I feel like I am inspired to be my best self and I think of Chris more than myself. Because I am pretty darn selfish, this usually only occurs when Chris is busy putting me first. :)
To me, love is commitment. It is no-matter-what and even-though. I'm sorry if that is unromantic, but to me, the best thing about love is believing that it won't be taken away from you. It took me roughly ten years to believe that Chris isn't the kind of guy to betray me or ditch me. It feels good to feel genuine trust for him and he had to earn it...I guess I'm not that trusting.
What do you love doing that you aren’t doing? Hmmmm...everything? See my post about missing myself. No, other than having a three month old who has me on personal hiatus, what do I not do that I love to do? Write. I don't ever do that. I used to tell people I was a writer. I don't anymore. My passions have changed to photography, friendships and my family...and writing is what I do to document my life, nothing more. I'd like to find time to write. I also love singing. A lot. I don't love soloing, but I love harmonizing with other voices and in another life, I play the guitar and sing a lot. I miss singing in choirs and small groups, but more what I like is just singing with other people casually, a group of people who can handle some harmonizing and don't take anything too seriously. Yes. I miss singing.
What person or type of person would you choose as a life companion? Duh. He's chosen. Not gonna elaborate. I did it right. Would choose him all over again. He's not perfect, but neither am I.
Where do you want to live? By my mom. I know, booooring answer, but that's what I want. I want to live less than fifteen minutes from her door so we can do more fun things together instead of always just using our time together for her to help me get caught up. I want to hang out with her without my kids sometimes! Clearview? Bothell? Mill Creek? Woodinville? Snohomish? Yes. Any of those places.
What do you want to accomplish? And most importantly, why — what’s your motivation? I believe this is a religious question with a religious answer. I want to live after this life with my family surrounded by my heavenly family. I want to raise children who have faith and make choices based on their own beliefs that they personally have tested and formed with their own spiritual experiences. My greatest accomplishments and goals are not about this world. As for worldly goals, I'd like to see all of my children have every door open to them educationally so that they can have choices regarding their own futures. I'd say the SAT and ACT tests will be big factors in those options and I want them to be prepared for them...which due to choosing to homeschool, relies solely on us. I want them to be raised with more of an adult social experience, contrary to the social experiences found in public schools. I want them to see other people as friendly resources for greater understanding, not scary competition. I want them to socialize well with people of all ages, interests, beliefs and paradigms. I want them to love the friendships they have in our family above any other friendships. I want to know my kids no matter who/what they choose. I want to be their soft place to land no matter what...unless they are drug dealers and trying to live under my roof and I'm enabling them. I'll draw the line there. :) My earthy purpose is tied up entirely in my children. This doesn't mean that I'm not an individual with individual interests and relationships and fun to have on my own, but the meat...the real stuff that matters to me is them. I will try really, really hard not to wrap my own personal worth around them so much that if they are drug dealers I feel like a personal failure, but I think that will be hard to a degree. Am I raising drug dealers? I hope not! (Fine print: If one of my precious children is a drug dealer and is reading this or hearing this, I love you just the same as if you were a school teacher. If you harm children, I might not love you.)
What do you want to be remembered by? I'd like to be remembered for being me by those who love me. I don't care about counting to other people I didn't know. Everyone doesn't love me. That's fine. I just want people who did love me to sit around and remember me for the good parts of me. I think it is interesting how one person could love you for a trait that another one could dislike you for. That happens to me a lot because I'm not for everyone. It's funny when people who don't love me throw out their criticism and it sounds a lot like what someone who does love me would say they love about me. Hmmmm. Can't make everyone happy! Our strengths and our weaknesses are the same, it seems to me.
What kind of life would make you jealous? Everything about this question is stupid. I don't want anyone else's life. If I could have something in my life that I don't currently have, it would be a job change for Chris that would allow him to be more available to our family to have fun, travel and take it easy. Some people have lifestyles like that. I had that growing up. We weren't rich, but we had our dad away from work a lot. That is the number one thing that I wish I had but I don't. I don't focus on it much because what we do have we are grateful for. Very grateful.
What adventures do you want to have? I want to take my whole family to Spain. 2018 is the year Ruby will be 16 and Leo will be 5. I can do it then. I envision being alone with the kids without Chris for most of the time, but Spain doesn't scare me. I think we'd go for maybe two months and hope that Chris could come for two weeks of that time...when he is there we'll venture to France, Switzerland and Italy and hopefully Greece. I hope the state of the world allows for that kind of travel forever. I love Europe.
I'd like to be a foster parent. I don't know why the family-less children in this world are on my mind all the time, but they are. Just this morning I was holding Leo and he was looking over my shoulder at Ruby, Alice and Oma smiling and bobbing his big head up and down on my shoulder. They were all eyes on him and he was eating it up. My mom said something about how watching him you can see how much he is taking in an learning all the time. Instantly, my brain thinks of babies who are not given that simple blessing, who have fear in their little brains as they learn to distrust those around them or learn that the people who are supposed to care for them don't. I hate it. I want to give that to someone or a few someones. Even if for a short time. I'm so lucky to have been given that by my parents, and them by their parents, etc. You might call foster parenting an adventure. I think it will be.
If you had to add something to humanity, what would your contribution be? Redundant. My contributions in my home are my contribution to humanity. Raising people who are thoughtful, compassionate, passionate, talented, smart, honest, responsible and hard working is a great contribution.
What are your ghosts? Your unspoken demons? I may have had a few unhappy experiences in my life, but I'm not hiding anything. If there is anything that haunts me, it would be depression. I am not depressed, but I feel like I could be. I've been told that depression is often a side effect of Narcolepsy, and I can see why that is. Sometimes all that I think I could do if I didn't have Narcolepsy is kind of impossible because I'm tired, need a nap every day, etc. I feel like in my case, I choose not to focus on that by being satisfied with what I can do and by kind of forcing myself out of bed and into my full life, ignoring the temptation to succumb to my bed and the lameness of doing nothing all day, every day. I wouldn't say I give it a lot of thought, but if digging deep, that is the only thing that comes to mind. Being tired contributes to short temper at times, well, more often than I'd like, with my kids.
What are your favorite memories? I loved High School. Is that weird? I just really did love it. I loved cheerleading! I loved cheering at the football games and basketball games and preparing for pep assembly performances and painting the signs for the team to run through. I loved cheer camp and 2nd period with my best friends. I loved wearing my uniform...I did! I loved it! I hated tryouts. A lot. Really. No likey. We were the opposite of a fancy squad. Cheerleading wasn't serious at our school, we didn't have coaches, we just made up our own stuff...but it was fun! I also loved choir. Singing with others who are really talented is a high, it is a spiritual experience to make music and be a part of a small group doing it together. I know, nerdy...but it's true! I remember my senior year when after three years of wanting to win the big bake off competition at Mt. Hood, we finally won. It was such a high. I literally remember thinking that I'd never experience something that exciting in my life again. It was everything cheesy...it was a jazz festival and we had this chamber choir song that was a capella called, Prayer of the Children. It was a song originally written I think for an ad campaign for starving children in a third world country. Anyway, it wasn't jazzy feeling, but the harmonies in it were actually jazz chords. So our director, Dave Cross, asked us before we performed, if we wanted to sing whatever jazzy song we had prepared or if we wanted to change it up and sing the song that we all felt really passionate about and that was technically jazz...but so not a traditional choice. We figured we'd lose, but we'd love the experience more if we did what we loved. So one of the two songs we sang was that, and it was moving and emotional and...can you guess...no, I already told you...we won! We'd always won at this festival until this super amazing choir from Meridian, ID started coming and stealing the show. We came in second for three years to them. This was rumored to be their last year at the festival, and we were all hyped up about how they were really going to bring it...and when we beat them, it really was just euphoric. Yes, like you see in the movies.
Obviously my more general, lifelong best memories are of McCall. Many memories of Davis Beach, Aspen Market (summer of 2013 was my first summer of no Aspen as it was closed!!), sleeping in the Anderson cabin loft with Trina, swimming into town and walking around in my swimsuit. Being there with my kids is an awesome recent experience. I love seeing them with their cousins jumping off the dock and wearing reunion t-shirts and eating at the table with the white, green and red fabric behind them.
I also love memories of the Hamm cabin at Lake Cavanaugh. We'd walk to the little store to buy penny candy, I think it was like a mile each way. My memory tells me two miles, but I doubt it was a four mile round trip. It did seem long though, but several of us kids would walk down there at least once a day. I remember taking the swimming test so that I didn't have to wear a life preserver. I loved being there with my cousins in the summer!
Who do you love the most? I think this question is dumb. I love a lot of people. I'd die for at least six people, but people in my life that I love? I'd say they know who they are!
What worries you the most? Why? Hmmmmm. I think I'm not a worrier. I mean, I have fears...but that isn't the same as worries. I guess most of my anxiety comes from not having the house the way Chris wants it when he gets home from work and not being able to play as a family together on the weekends, rather, spend all weekend on chores we need to catch up on. I guess I do have worries. I really hate it, but I worry about that a lot. I spend half my day worrying about messes and I never keep it up the way he'd like. I worry a lot about having friends to the house because it always equals more mess, and I don't have the desire, passion or energy to clean up more messes than I already have to. I'd say this is my only worry. It is pretty consuming though!
What type of people inspire you and make you come alive? People who inspire me and make me come alive are people who are passionate, confident, assertive and happy with who they are. I don't respond well to people who are insecure, clingy, entitled or lacking passion for something. I really struggle with passive aggressive people. They think they are being nice by not being direct, but it hurts people when they take something at face value and find out when the passive aggressive punishment arrives that what they said or did wasn't really what they meant at all. Being assertive, even when it is hard or complicated is best. Say what you mean, mean what you say. I like people who are happy for my successes and easily share their success with me. I like people who are up for anything. I like people who question things. I like people who know how to make friends. A girl who doesn't play well with other girls isn't usually my cup of tea. I like people who can respect differences.
What type of people bring you down and make you hate yourself? I don't like people who don't like me. That's pretty simple! I don't like people who are competitive with me instead of happy for me. I don't like people who try to guilt me into doing things for or with them. Boundaries are important to me when it comes to relationships outside my immediate family. I don't like people who nay say everything and can't relax and just have fun...even if it isn't their cup of tea. I don't like talking to people who aren't articulate. People who are socially unaware...for example, those who think everyone else thinks their kids are as cute as they do...that's pretty awful! :)
Who are your mentors? What have they taught you? I really don't have close, mentorish relationships with anyone other than my parents. They are great mentors! I have had some experiences in life in which I've gotten specific advice that I rely on today. One such experience was in high school, probably sophomore year. I was in my counselor, Mrs. Harris's office because I was really wanting to transfer to a new school. Most of my junior high school friends were doing wild things that I never planned to join in on and my more clean cut friends were into sports and making different friends in those areas. I wound up by my senior years practically with zero of the friends I started high school with still in my inner circle. The transition was hard and lonely at times. So I was in her office pleading my case and she told me that in no time in my life would I ever be rid of the same personalities and conflicts and relational dynamics that I was trying to avoid. She said the names and faces would change, but even as an adult, I'd have to deal with similar situations...in the workplace, in my roommates, in my extended family. She was right. It did make sense to me, so I stuck it out at my high school and am glad I did. That's one example! Can peers be mentors? I'd say Sommer is a good mentor to me. If she's reading this (I doubt she is) she'll probably think I'm weird. I call her when I need to really hash through, tear apart and understand something. She's like minded, so I like her advice and her perspective and she has a way of owning my issues in a personal way that makes me feel understood and validated. It has been a long time since he passed away in 1997, but my Grandpa Anderson was a mentor to me. I wish he had lived longer because he was a little intense and deep and person when we discussed the meaning of life together when I was younger. I sort of dodged those moments even though they did make me feel deeply cared for. If he'd lived into my adulthood, I imagine I would have badgered him for more conversation and insight. Maybe he's have dodged me.
Who are you – raw, unedited, wild, ordinary and extraordinary you? What does it come down to? And why? This is easier put by the Rebecca who thought she was writing a letter to just three people...people she knows well. Turns out, my letter was a submission to our whole ward Relief Society Newsletter! Yep! It wouldn't really be that weird, but it was...I mean there are people who don't know me at all, and I wrote this letter like I'm the queen of you all know me land and I also dropped bff info that I would never say to a group of women I try to be friends with all in a neutral, we are all sisters kind of way. Anyway, so many things about this are awkward. Not awkward if it had just been intended for the new Relief Society presidency as I thought, but awkward given that it was sent to the whole ward. The request came out for us to write in and let the new leadership know who we are, what we need, what we think are areas that could use improvement, etc. This is from 2010.
Here goes...
I think you know me! Three girls...I am a social mommy with a husband who works currently every waking hour Monday through Friday...and only sleeps like five hours, so I guess he works some sleeping hours too. I sleep through church because I have narcolepsy, sometimes I leave relief society because I get tired of fighting sleep or possibly snoring in the meeting...but I love the meeting! I hate it when I have callings that take me away from the third hour. I try to be on baby duty so I can stay awake. I am starting a prescription any day to help. I took it to get through college...but am really stubborn about meds and have battled through the past 10 years like a zombie and I am tired of being tired! I hope to add hours to my busy life by just popping a pill once a day. Can't wait. (Pending approval from my insurance). I have a super supportive mother who does all of my laundry...like it is put away in drawers when she is done...and keeps me company two days and one night of the week. I treasure her. I also get all my socializing done with my pal Mimi. If she weren't in our ward I would probably curl up in the fetal position and cry. She is super busy too, but we grocery shop or zumba for our social fixes and it always fits in somehow. We sometimes watch tv in our own houses and have a running commentary through instant messaging and we think we are pretty hilarious because we are.I have felt like this relief society lacks socializing but I have started social groups like American Idol nights and such and no one really seems interested. I am fine with that, I just thought other people needed what I need so I tried, and it turns out, people don't need that! I love to sew and enjoy it twice as much with company, so if people want to get together and craft...count me in!
I'm happy...thanks for all you do!
Rebecca
Of course I had to write a clarification! I couldn't just leave it at that! Diane put it in the section, "Introduce yourself" and it was such a bizarre introduction! Anyway, read below what I followed up with. I'd say between these two things you get me pretty well unplugged.
I'm an open book and it is not easy for me to really be embarrassed, but I do feel like I want you all to know that I wasn't intending to tell the whole Relief Society some of the things that I said...I guess it just goes without saying, you can read it and think to yourself, "this was intended for the Relief Society president who already knows her..." and it will hopefully make more sense.
I have a history of doing these things, so it just has to be one of the things that if you know and love me you have to love about me, because I somehow manage to humiliate myself (and if you are close company, sometimes you get humiliated too) thoroughly every year or so. Here's another example...this one got my husband too...
We were in the Gem Heights ward, and they had a section in the Relief Society binder that was going around that had a column where people could list things that they were looking for and things they were getting rid of. People would list things like, I need a diaper genie or I'm getting rid of a rocking chair. Good idea! So I was going through this diet change and was getting rid of a TON of food...frozen food, meat, flour, sugar, etc. So I listed, I don't know, maybe eight items with an "etc." after it in the WRONG, "Looking for" column. Yes. I was on a hunt for food. Any kind of food, just feed me please. No joke. This went around the Relief Society for like four weeks before the same binder came back to me and I saw it...right there, "Rebecca Pierce is looking for frozen vegetables, chicken, flour, maple syrup, etc." Yes. She needs food, and she isn't going through the Bishop. Just give her some. Any. Food. All food. It was awesome.
So I'm not able to take back any of the things I said, but if my words alienated, shocked just struck you as bizarre, consider yourself warned. I am the real deal, I'm a wife with a husband who works a lot, my friendships are simple and important to me, I like to socialize more with new, different people, but it's okay if you don't share my need...I have narcolepsy and I'm tired of being tired. Yep, that is pretty much me. Sorry I didn't give you the edited version this time...in case you didn't know, I served a mission in Spain, I have three daughters...one is being baptized in a few weeks. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I have a degree in English from BYU and I love people. All people. I love gay people, simple people, big people, flawed people, boring people, famous people, redundant people, heroic people, political people and a few racist or skinny people. I make really good popcorn. Do you love me now?
