Thoughts on Mothering...

Being a mother to all four of my babies has been an all-consuming experience. The soul crushing love I have felt watching them all grow up has been consistent with them all. The immediate love when they are born and the natural desire to protect, nurture and give them the love all children deserve...it's just always there. I'm so far from a perfect mom, but the intense connection I feel to my kids has always been just there. I think it is that way for most. We all think the sun rises and sets with those faces, the smiles, the mis-spoken words, even the tantrums and messes.

It's just intense being a mother. Intensely joyous and also intensely difficult. It isn't easy to exist in an all day service project. It isn't fun to hold a toddler while taking a poop or to have four eyes watching while you shower. It isn't easy to navigate the sibling rivalry or to hide in the garage knowing little people with needs are actively looking for you while you try to pay a bill. It is joyful when they first learn to say, "I love you." Or when they learn to give kisses. When they dance, poop in the potty, throw up in a bowl or hold the hand of a sibling to comfort them when they are hurt. Those moments are the kind where you feel like your hear has grown inside your chest. There are so many moments like that.

With my baby boy though it is different. Not because of who he is, I think it is either because he is the last one or possibly because I have the motherhood experience now that I lacked when I was a mother with fewer years behind me. If I could, I wouldn't take a poop without Leo on my lap. If I could, I would chat with him while I showered every single time. I am in full life abandonment over this baby. I am not put out by him ever. I want to snuggle him to sleep, I want to share a bed with him, I want to read him ten stories, I want to sing him fifty songs, and when he sleeps I miss him. I have never experienced that before.

I feel like if motherhood ever was this joyful I would have wanted more kids. I don't regret having four, and I wasn't even in charge of when they came, I didn't have the luxury of getting pregnant right when I wanted. But I think if I had felt this way when Ruby was two, I may have eight kids right now.

When Ruby was little, the cutest, sweetest, easiest toddler ever created...I lived for nap time and bed time. I mean when she was awake, she was my best friend and we had a great time bathing, puzzling, parking, strolling and jabbering. A GREAT time...but I was always ready for me time.

I still enjoy me time, and I still get it. I just don't have half my mind fantasizing about it while I am pushing Leo in the swing. With the first three, I would commonly feel like the clock would never arrive at the bedtime hour, but with this last one, I more often than not realize it is 9:40 and little buddy is still going strong and it is no shirt off my back.

So there. Mothering thoughts by me twelve and a half years into the mom gig.

Love4Mia...

 It's hard to believe that a year has passed and at the same time it is hard to believe it has only been a year. Sweet little Mia went to heaven a year ago. I don't know how to express myself openly because I know pretty much everything I say is like a broken record to Mimi and I don't want her to read a broken record.

I just want to focus on the little things that were done to get through the hard anniversary. Our family was invited by the McDonald/Conway families (John's side of the family) to a dinner at a local church building. The night started an hour before little man's bedtime, his crankiest hour...so we got there and I took pics for everyone and then we fed the kids and bolted home (Leo screamed the bulk of it). I was glad we got to go, but sad we didn't get to stay for the little program that was planned for after dinner.

The family got these cute window stickers made for everyone...

 Dinner...baked potatoes. I brought a crockpot of chili.

 Bestey picked up this pic off of one of the tables and wanted me to take a picture of it.

 We did a big group shot of everyone outside the church building. I was impressed that John's mom and her husband's (not present that night) family were able to gather WITH John's dad and his wife, Carol and their families. It was theirs, his, hers...everyone. I think that is great. If there was one thing that I came away from Mia's funeral thinking, it was that we all just need to love more! Sometimes in relationships, there must be boundaries in order to have the greatest peace in a relationship...and I'm sure that is the case here. Everyone seemed glad to share the gathering for Mia was a real testimony of their love for her and their desire to honor her memory.

This is a shot of everyone in attendance. I was taking it on a tripod, so I was doing some running back and forth. It worked though!

 Here, I was on top of Chris's truck and he was pulled up on the sidewalk of the church. I pieced together four different shots in order to get this panorama. It turned out!

 Mimi asked people who wanted to remember Mia, to join she and John in doing nice things for others in Mia's name. I have to say, the days leading up to the anniversary were hard because I could remember what was happening a year ago and it was hard. The day of was somehow lighter because all day I was checking in on her hashtag to see what people were posting and it was really uplifting to see what others were doing to remember little Mia. A few things that I posted for others...Sandy made two trays of enchiladas to deliver to two homes that could use a prepared meal. She isn't on instagram where most of the activity was, so I posted for her. THANKS, Sand!

 Ruby and Alice and I bought some purple mums and took them around three different places. I know Anne knows it was us who delivered them to her, and she'll see this...so then there will be no doubt that she knew. Anyway, I could have taken them somewhere more annonymous but this was about giving my kids a chance to remember their little friend and I tried to make it personal for them by talking about how their good friends, the Eugenio kids, lost a cousin. Their cousins are chief in thier lives, so that really impacted them and they really, really wanted to deliver the flowers to Eli, Isaac, Eve and Luke (and of course I wanted to bring some cheer to Anne and Dillon). So. We went there. They didn't come to the door while we were there. We knocked a bunch and then eventually the dog figured out we were there and started to bark and the kids bolted. I assume Anne got them that evening when she got home from her church responsibilities.

We also delivered to Alice's primary teacher from when she was 5-6, Allison, who just lost her husband to cancer. She was adamant about that, and I know Allison doesn't know it was us but she posted on facebook about it and it made the girls know that they could bring her a little happiness. We also delivered to a woman in our ward who lost her daughter and husband in a car crash five years ago. She is someone we adore and admire and the kids had just been with Chris over the weekend pressure washing her gutters and so they thought of her right away.

 I had friends talking about Mia...far flung friends, people I've known since Kindergarten...Taryn is of course someone I still get in contact with, but I haven't seen Raquel (Kelly to me) since high school...

 I designed this little card to take with the flowers. I had this picture because I helped Mimi edit the background out of it for her drill team t-shirts...and it seemed like a good one to choose when making it available to the public (I posted it for others to use) because her face isn't on it. I don't know, it just seemed more discreet...and this is a joyful shot of Mia dancing.

John and Mimi were in Hawaii and it was neat to see their posts throughout the day as they delivered goods to homeless people and to children on the beaches and spread some Mia joy all day. I admire Mimi for making the day something more than just sadness, and there was definitely sadness. I was just grateful it wasn't only sadness. I hope to do this every year, even if it is just something quiet in the future that I do with the girls (I guess one day, Leo won't have a 6:30 bedtime and we'll include "the boys". We all miss you, Mia!

30 questions to ask yourself before you die...part 2

What issues can you help with? I like to think that as a member of a conservative, religious, patriarchal and somewhat old school sub-culture, that I help people around me understand how to exist within the essential doctrines and still shed some of the super lame social constructs. Does that make sense? My religion isn't oppressive to women or hateful to those who choose to live life in any other way that isn't like "our way". There are many misunderstandings and social opinions put on LDS people by ignorance of members, media and a slowly evolving social history. I don't subscribe to a sexist religion or a homophobic re ligion. I'm not even part of a close minded or back woods religion. I do encounter plenty of people with behavior that perpetuates those constructs in the social culture of local church experience. I'm not into it. I'd like to think that challenging people like that, or simply suggesting that their views aren't in harmony with the essential aspects of our religious beliefs that I help people be more open minded and less judgmental. This doesn't mean that I think the true core of any of our beliefs need altering, I don't. For me, being open minded and loving everyone and believing in freedom of choice at all costs is in perfect harmony with my faith.

How can you express yourself creatively? I don't know if I am very creative. I think I am more of a precise, calculated, planned person. I'm not very willy nilly. For example, I love to sing, but I cannot, will not and never will sing Karaoke because I take myself too seriously and I know it will sound bad. I do things that people think are creative, like take pictures...I take pictures, but for me this is a technical endeavor, not a creative one. People who are creative at photography posses a magic that I don't have. I copy those people.

How do you manage your time? What works for you? I procrastinate. Then when I'm under the gun, I perform at my best. It's not ideal and it doesn't always work, but I've been doing it my whole life. It works for me.

If you were to leave the world today, what’s your manifesto? Hmmmm. I'm not gonna answer this. I have a quirk. I always hear from people who have lost loved ones, that they are amazed at the ways that person who is now deceased was unknowingly preparing for death. Grudges are forgiven, life insurance randomly increased, vacations always on the back burner are booked and enjoyed thoroughly. Then, they die. I feel like this entire process of thirty questions is in a way writing my own life sketch. People would say, "Oh, how wonderful she got that all written down before she was hit by the semi on Tuesday. She was preparing and she didn't even know it. What a blessing." So. I'm not writing my "manifesto," because it's like saying I am ready to die, and I'm not. This belief holds me back in various areas of my life! I'll think, "I should write this random family member a letter saying how much I love and admire them." Then I'm like, "nah...then I'd die."

What makes you come alive? What ignites you? I really hate to answer this question honestly because it makes it sound like I believe the way I believe or choose what I choose for the sake of a Devil's advocate rise. It isn't like that, but I do get a rise or become alive when I feel I have discovered something or learned something that denies or contradicts the status quo. I don't blabber to the masses about these findings, I keep them primarily to myself and if I extend them at all it is to people with like minds and opinions. I enjoy having information presented to me as fact and then doing my own analysis and study of the topic and formulating my own opinions. I guess maybe this boils down to being ignited by freedom and choice. I love asking "why" and I subscribe to conversations and efforts where the "why" is being explored. For example, I think it is seriously awesome that I have four children and have only treated them with antibiotics a combined total of less than five times. Betsey and Leo never (obviously on Leo, he's so young still!)! Alice once! Ruby four other times! I am ignited knowing that I have found (or been shown is more like it, I'm no pioneer) natural remedies that I rely on for common health issues that on the whole work every time. I don't hate antibiotics, I am glad they are there when I need them, but I love having alternatives that are effective, safe and without negative side effects.

Music. Music ignites me. I love meaningful lyrics and unique or even very simple harmonies. I have been reading a lot lately and I always think about what songs would be a good soundtrack to each chapter in the books I read. Some of the authors do provide their soundtrack at the end of the books, but the artists are often obscure so I don't relate to those. I have a soundtrack to my own life. I have favorite friendship songs, songs that were actually in the background of my life experiences, breakup songs, falling in love songs, married songs, parenting songs...etc. I love music!

Family. I can't believe Chris and I became parents together almost eleven years ago. I love the routine and traditions and humor and inside jokes that make up our uniquely ours family. I love reading the scriptures and praying together. I love how Betsey has to pray EVERY SINGLE TIME ANYONE prays. It seems like she isn't going to grow out of this, it's been going solid for like nine months. I love listening to music and singing along with my kids. I love how when Chris comes home, my kids pick the Johnny Cash Pandora Channel instead of the Carrie Underwood channel. I love the silly games the kids make up to play rough with Chris in the evenings. I love how much Ruby and Alice light up for every move Betsey and Leo make. 

What are your most painful memories? This might seem dumb, but my most painful experience that affects me the most today is the break up between Chris and I when we were in college. I feel like because of that break up and the five years before we were married, I in a small way can imagine what it would be like if I/we were stupid enough to lose what we share now. Certainly, our relationship at that time was immature and not ready to become a long-term life. However, I guess it impacted me because when I have loathed being married at times or wished he would go away for good, I know in my heart what it is like to not have him in my life. I really would hate it! Even when he really, really bugs me! I have other painful memories that I don't feel like sharing. Nope.

There those are my final questions for that exercise! I am done! I didn't like the last few, they are about food and exercise and seemed redundant about what makes you weep, etc. I just want to be done...I'm good.

Ruby's summer letter...

We have a really great tradition on the Pierce side that includes all of Chris' cousins (hello, he only has FOUR cousins in the whole wide world!! I have 61, two that are deceased and maybe five that are more like acquaintances due to divorce, but still cousins), as it is his mom and her brother and their families. The cool thing is that we have two volumes of letters already printed in hardbound books dating back to when Chris was 20 years old.

Anyway, Ruby wrote an entry this month and I just love how she writes! I get to read her writing all the time, but since this was typed and ready to go, I had to share it here. I can hear her voice in her writing which I love. She says the word, "so" a lot. Adorable! I didn't make any corrections...here it is!

From Ruby:


Umm... this is Ruby.. and this summer has been fun.......REALLY FUN!!!!! To start out with, well it's pretty exiting that MY BABY BROTHER WAS BORN!!!!!! :) so I'll tell a quick story about it. I was enjoying my wonderful perfectly perfect shower and normally I take pretty quick showers but this time it felt perfect so I told myself only ten more seconds. So after ten seconds I turned off the shower and looked at the foggy mirror thinking Leo was never going to be born so I wrote on the mirror which was really fogged up, BABY LEO and then went out to my parents room. My dad was lying down on the bed reading the drudge report and then my mom suddenly comes in and sits down and looked at the ceiling and said: ''I think the baby's coming today,'' All I could think was J J J J J! So my mom called the midwife and the midwife said to call her when things get more serious, and she thought she wasn’t going into labor yet so my mom laid down and THAT is when things started getting serious, to make a long story short, my mom started getting more contractions, (and bye the way, my mom had a home birth) and my dad set up the birth pool, the midwife came, Oma (our grandma) came, my mom got in the pool and had the baby! And now at almost 4 months he is spitting up about every 5 minutes, and he's smiles and laughs (it's REALLY funny when he laughs!) anyways you’ve heard a lot about him, now back to our fun summer!


I went to horse camp and we had our awesome cousin Mattie come in early before her parents came and she came to horse camp and we really thought we were going to be together the whole time but we ended up parting in groups! So here's the horses we were going to ride, and Mattie got a horse called Pepper, a beautiful appaloosa horse and I asked if I could have Lizzy, a pinto. So then throughout the rest of the week Alice, Mattie, and I were separated. But let me tell you about the horse, Lizzy. Well as all female horses go through she was going through a heat. So she was kind of bucky but she was really fun to ride, so at the end of the week each group had to have a routine done and so our group started making ours when Lizzy kicked one of the horses and that horse named Sunny got scared and he and another horse named Blacky went crazy so they took Liz away. I really was attached to her and I got to be a team with Mattie! So in the end everyone got to be together and Mattie and I won first place at the horse show! Here are some of the activities we did: LOTS OF BASEBALL, camping, trampline, got some beta fish, that’s only a few of them.

HAPPY SCHOOL YEAR!!!


(and bye the way leo was born on my mom’s B day)


Ruby

A lesson learned from Ruby...

Tonight, we had a friend who is just a few months older than Ruby come over. She just began sixth grade. I adore this girl, she is super outgoing, goofy, mature enough to be fun to be around as an adult, etc. Anyway, after she left Chris was letting Ruby know that she had handled a situation with her friend really well and he was proud of her. So I asked what they were referring to. Apparently, (Let's call her friend Jamie for anonymity) Jamie was telling Ruby about some girl at school that has a really big head and she gets made fun of a lot for it. It was said in the spirit of mocking the big headed girl. Ruby said, "well that's okay." So Jamie persisted and said, but she plays with Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop still!" And Ruby said, "so do I!" Then she told a story about having babysitters much older who would play Barbies and LPS with her (such a sweet example). Ruby actually sold her LPS collection two years ago, so it is below her interest, but she wouldn't be opposed to playing with them with a friend. 

Anyway, my Ruby is pretty darn good. She has a very good heart in spite of having me as her mom! The other night, I was apologizing to her for being me and we were hanging out just us two talking and i was expressing some personal goals of greater patience that i wanted to work on and she said "I think Oma is perfect." She elaborated about how my mom never gets mad or mean and how she is super patient and perfect. I told Ruby she could never have a better role model on this earth. I think if Ruby and I both have a goal to be more like Oma, Ruby is much closer than I am! I love that girl!

30 questions to ask yourself before you die...part one:

I was very interested in this blog post that someone linked to facebook, and after reading it, I decided to answer some of the questions for myself. I'm 36, so maybe I'll answer a few extra questions.

How much have you loved? Hmmmmmm. I guess this is an easy question if love referred to is romantic love. One. One person. Ever. Never told any other boyfriend that I loved him. Never wanted to, never thought about it. I didn't know I loved Chris until we were 18, 1/2 way through our freshman year and very close to him breaking my heart. We said it for the first time in his sister's small attic apartment where she lived as a newlywed in Provo, UT. I was visiting Chris for the final time (unbeknownst to me) from Rexburg and Pam and Matt went to bed, and he told me he loved me. On a hide-a-bed. I said it back. We said it back and forth, asking to hear it again and again. 

Since there are two relationships in our history...the first one and the second one...there's another "I love you" moment. This was when we were 24. It had been a year or so since we had started our friendship back up again, but only a month since we'd become an item for the second time. I had spent the year as friend, wanting more, but not wanting to fall in love with someone who didn't have the same path before him as I did, so I kept my distance and I guess he felt the same way, because he didn't put the moves on me until he was pretty solid on my path. (Religiously speaking.) We spent a ton of time together when I was in town and when I was at college, we'd talk for hours and email daily and yet never really assume that we were heading toward more than friends. Anyway, it was nearly impossible for me to keep from shouting "I love you" at him when we were just friends, so when we became more...one weekend...in Colorado, and then went a month apart...it got really hard. He bought me a ticket home for Easter weekend because it was two months from our rekindling and my graduation, and Easter was smack in the middle of those two months. I was home a short time, with him most of it, and when he took me to the airport, he got out of his truck, me on the curb to say goodbye and I just gushed, "I love you!!" wholeheartedly, like it was the most exciting and yet normal thing to say. He didn't think so, and didn't say it back. I'm sure it caught him off guard, well, I know it did and I'm glad he didn't say it back until he was sure he wanted to. I was so glad I said it, it was like how you feel better after you throw up...just a great analogy, right?

Chris is the only person I ever said it to, but he is also the only person I have felt it for. Love has changed from that simple, I-can't-stand-being-away-from-you kind of feeling to a thanks-for-sticking-around kind of comfort that I really treasure. Sometimes love has felt like giddiness. Other times it has felt like obligation. When I am happiest in love I feel like I am inspired to be my best self and I think of Chris more than myself. Because I am pretty darn selfish, this usually only occurs when Chris is busy putting me first. :)

To me, love is commitment. It is no-matter-what and even-though. I'm sorry if that is unromantic, but to me, the best thing about love is believing that it won't be taken away from you. It took me roughly ten years to believe that Chris isn't the kind of guy to betray me or ditch me. It feels good to feel genuine trust for him and he had to earn it...I guess I'm not that trusting.

What do you love doing that you aren’t doing? Hmmmm...everything? See my post about missing myself. No, other than having a three month old who has me on personal hiatus, what do I not do that I love to do? Write. I don't ever do that. I used to tell people I was a writer. I don't anymore. My passions have changed to photography, friendships and my family...and writing is what I do to document my life, nothing more. I'd like to find time to write. I also love singing. A lot. I don't love soloing, but I love harmonizing with other voices and in another life, I play the guitar and sing a lot. I miss singing in choirs and small groups, but more what I like is just singing with other people casually, a group of people who can handle some harmonizing and don't take anything too seriously. Yes. I miss singing. 

What person or type of person would you choose as a life companion? Duh. He's chosen. Not gonna elaborate. I did it right. Would choose him all over again. He's not perfect, but neither am I. 

Where do you want to live? By my mom. I know, booooring answer, but that's what I want. I want to live less than fifteen minutes from her door so we can do more fun things together instead of always just using our time together for her to help me get caught up. I want to hang out with her without my kids sometimes! Clearview? Bothell? Mill Creek? Woodinville? Snohomish? Yes. Any of those places.

What do you want to accomplish? And most importantly, why — what’s your motivation? I believe this is a religious question with a religious answer. I want to live after this life with my family surrounded by my heavenly family. I want to raise children who have faith and make choices based on their own beliefs that they personally have tested and formed with their own spiritual experiences. My greatest accomplishments and goals are not about this world. As for worldly goals, I'd like to see all of my children have every door open to them educationally so that they can have choices regarding their own futures. I'd say the SAT and ACT tests will be big factors in those options and I want them to be prepared for them...which due to choosing to homeschool, relies solely on us. I want them to be raised with more of an adult social experience, contrary to the social experiences found in public schools. I want them to see other people as friendly resources for greater understanding, not scary competition. I want them to socialize well with people of all ages, interests, beliefs and paradigms. I want them to love the friendships they have in our family above any other friendships. I want to know my kids no matter who/what they choose. I want to be their soft place to land no matter what...unless they are drug dealers and trying to live under my roof and I'm enabling them. I'll draw the line there. :) My earthy purpose is tied up entirely in my children. This doesn't mean that I'm not an individual with individual interests and relationships and fun to have on my own, but the meat...the real stuff that matters to me is them. I will try really, really hard not to wrap my own personal worth around them so much that if they are drug dealers I feel like a personal failure, but I think that will be hard to a degree. Am I raising drug dealers? I hope not! (Fine print: If one of my precious children is a drug dealer and is reading this or hearing this, I love you just the same as if you were a school teacher. If you harm children, I might not love you.)

What do you want to be remembered by? I'd like to be remembered for being me by those who love me. I don't care about counting to other people I didn't know. Everyone doesn't love me. That's fine. I just want people who did love me to sit around and remember me for the good parts of me. I think it is interesting how one person could love you for a trait that another one could dislike you for. That happens to me a lot because I'm not for everyone. It's funny when people who don't love me throw out their criticism and it sounds a lot like what someone who does love me would say they love about me. Hmmmm. Can't make everyone happy! Our strengths and our weaknesses are the same, it seems to me.

What kind of life would make you jealous? Everything about this question is stupid. I don't want anyone else's life. If I could have something in my life that I don't currently have, it would be a job change for Chris that would allow him to be more available to our family to have fun, travel and take it easy. Some people have lifestyles like that. I had that growing up. We weren't rich, but we had our dad away from work a lot. That is the number one thing that I wish I had but I don't. I don't focus on it much because what we do have we are grateful for. Very grateful.

What adventures do you want to have? I want to take my whole family to Spain. 2018 is the year Ruby will be 16 and Leo will be 5. I can do it then. I envision being alone with the kids without Chris for most of the time, but Spain doesn't scare me. I think we'd go for maybe two months and hope that Chris could come for two weeks of that time...when he is there we'll venture to France, Switzerland and Italy and hopefully Greece. I hope the state of the world allows for that kind of travel forever. I love Europe. 

I'd like to be a foster parent. I don't know why the family-less children in this world are on my mind all the time, but they are. Just this morning I was holding Leo and he was looking over my shoulder at Ruby, Alice and Oma smiling and bobbing his big head up and down on my shoulder. They were all eyes on him and he was eating it up. My mom said something about how watching him you can see how much he is taking in an learning all the time. Instantly, my brain thinks of babies who are not given that simple blessing, who have fear in their little brains as they learn to distrust those around them or learn that the people who are supposed to care for them don't. I hate it. I want to give that to someone or a few someones. Even if for a short time. I'm so lucky to have been given that by my parents, and them by their parents, etc. You might call foster parenting an adventure. I think it will be.

If you had to add something to humanity, what would your contribution be? Redundant. My contributions in my home are my contribution to humanity. Raising people who are thoughtful, compassionate, passionate, talented, smart, honest, responsible and hard working is a great contribution.

What are your ghosts? Your unspoken demons? I may have had a few unhappy experiences in my life, but I'm not hiding anything. If there is anything that haunts me, it would be depression. I am not depressed, but I feel like I could be. I've been told that depression is often a side effect of Narcolepsy, and I can see why that is. Sometimes all that I think I could do if I didn't have Narcolepsy is kind of impossible because I'm tired, need a nap every day, etc. I feel like in my case, I choose not to focus on that by being satisfied with what I can do and by kind of forcing myself out of bed and into my full life, ignoring the temptation to succumb to my bed and the lameness of doing nothing all day, every day. I wouldn't say I give it a lot of thought, but if digging deep, that is the only thing that comes to mind. Being tired contributes to short temper at times, well, more often than I'd like, with my kids.

What are your favorite memories? I loved High School. Is that weird? I just really did love it. I loved cheerleading! I loved cheering at the football games and basketball games and preparing for pep assembly performances and painting the signs for the team to run through. I loved cheer camp and 2nd period with my best friends. I loved wearing my uniform...I did! I loved it! I hated tryouts. A lot. Really. No likey. We were the opposite of a fancy squad. Cheerleading wasn't serious at our school, we didn't have coaches, we just made up our own stuff...but it was fun! I also loved choir. Singing with others who are really talented is a high, it is a spiritual experience to make music and be a part of a small group doing it together. I know, nerdy...but it's true! I remember my senior year when after three years of wanting to win the big bake off competition at Mt. Hood, we finally won. It was such a high. I literally remember thinking that I'd never experience something that exciting in my life again. It was everything cheesy...it was a jazz festival and we had this chamber choir song that was a capella called, Prayer of the Children. It was a song originally written I think for an ad campaign for starving children in a third world country. Anyway, it wasn't jazzy feeling, but the harmonies in it were actually jazz chords. So our director, Dave Cross, asked us before we performed, if we wanted to sing whatever jazzy song we had prepared or if we wanted to change it up and sing the song that we all felt really passionate about and that was technically jazz...but so not a traditional choice. We figured we'd lose, but we'd love the experience more if we did what we loved. So one of the two songs we sang was that, and it was moving and emotional and...can you guess...no, I already told you...we won! We'd always won at this festival until this super amazing choir from Meridian, ID started coming and stealing the show. We came in second for three years to them. This was rumored to be their last year at the festival, and we were all hyped up about how they were really going to bring it...and when we beat them, it really was just euphoric. Yes, like you see in the movies. 

Obviously my more general, lifelong best memories are of McCall. Many memories of Davis Beach, Aspen Market (summer of 2013 was my first summer of no Aspen as it was closed!!), sleeping in the Anderson cabin loft with Trina, swimming into town and walking around in my swimsuit. Being there with my kids is an awesome recent experience. I love seeing them with their cousins jumping off the dock and wearing reunion t-shirts and eating at the table with the white, green and red fabric behind them. 

I also love memories of the Hamm cabin at Lake Cavanaugh. We'd walk to the little store to buy penny candy, I think it was like a mile each way. My memory tells me two miles, but I doubt it was a four mile round trip. It did seem long though, but several of us kids would walk down there at least once a day. I remember taking the swimming test so that I didn't have to wear a life preserver. I loved being there with my cousins in the summer!

Who do you love the most? I think this question is dumb. I love a lot of people. I'd die for at least six people, but people in my life that I love? I'd say they know who they are!

What worries you the most? Why? Hmmmmm. I think I'm not a worrier. I mean, I have fears...but that isn't the same as worries. I guess most of my anxiety comes from not having the house the way Chris wants it when he gets home from work and not being able to play as a family together on the weekends, rather, spend all weekend on chores we need to catch up on. I guess I do have worries. I really hate it, but I worry about that a lot. I spend half my day worrying about messes and I never keep it up the way he'd like. I worry a lot about having friends to the house because it always equals more mess, and I don't have the desire, passion or energy to clean up more messes than I already have to. I'd say this is my only worry. It is pretty consuming though!

What type of people inspire you and make you come alive? People who inspire me and make me come alive are people who are passionate, confident, assertive and happy with who they are. I don't respond well to people who are insecure, clingy, entitled or lacking passion for something. I really struggle with passive aggressive people. They think they are being nice by not being direct, but it hurts people when they take something at face value and find out when the passive aggressive punishment arrives that  what they said or did wasn't really what they meant at all. Being assertive, even when it is hard or complicated is best. Say what you mean, mean what you say. I like people who are happy for my successes and easily share their success with me. I like people who are up for anything. I like people who question things. I like people who know how to make friends. A girl who doesn't play well with other girls isn't usually my cup of tea. I like people who can respect differences. 

What type of people bring you down and make you hate yourself? I don't like people who don't like me. That's pretty simple! I don't like people who are competitive with me instead of happy for me. I don't like people who try to guilt me into doing things for or with them. Boundaries are important to me when it comes to relationships outside my immediate family. I don't like people who nay say everything and can't relax and just have fun...even if it isn't their cup of tea. I don't like talking to people who aren't articulate. People who are socially unaware...for example, those who think everyone else thinks their kids are as cute as they do...that's pretty awful! :) 

Who are your mentors? What have they taught you? I really don't have close, mentorish relationships with anyone other than my parents. They are great mentors! I have had some experiences in life in which I've gotten specific advice that I rely on today. One such experience was in high school, probably sophomore year. I was in my counselor, Mrs. Harris's office because I was really wanting to transfer to a new school. Most of my junior high school friends were doing wild things that I never planned to join in on and my more clean cut friends were into sports and making different friends in those areas. I wound up by my senior years practically with zero of the friends I started high school with still in my inner circle. The transition was hard and lonely at times. So I was in her office pleading my case and she told me that in no time in my life would I ever be rid of the same personalities and conflicts and relational dynamics that I was trying to avoid. She said the names and faces would change, but even as an adult, I'd have to deal with similar situations...in the workplace, in my roommates, in my extended family. She was right. It did make sense to me, so I stuck it out at my high school and am glad I did. That's one example! Can peers be mentors? I'd say Sommer is a good mentor to me. If she's reading this (I doubt she is) she'll probably think I'm weird. I call her when I need to really hash through, tear apart and understand something. She's like minded, so I like her advice and her perspective and she has a way of owning my issues in a personal way that makes me feel understood and validated. It has been a long time since he passed away in 1997, but my Grandpa Anderson was a mentor to me. I wish he had lived longer because he was a little intense and deep and person when we discussed the meaning of life together when I was younger. I sort of dodged those moments even though they did make me feel deeply cared for. If he'd lived into my adulthood, I imagine I would have badgered him for more conversation and insight. Maybe he's have dodged me.

Who are you – raw, unedited, wild, ordinary and extraordinary you? What does it come down to? And why? This is easier put by the Rebecca who thought she was writing a letter to just three people...people she knows well. Turns out, my letter was a submission to our whole ward Relief Society Newsletter! Yep! It wouldn't really be that weird, but it was...I mean there are people who don't know me at all, and I wrote this letter like I'm the queen of you all know me land and I also dropped bff info that I would never say to a group of women I try to be friends with all in a neutral, we are all sisters kind of way. Anyway, so many things about this are awkward. Not awkward if it had just been intended for the new Relief Society presidency as I thought, but awkward given that it was sent to the whole ward. The request came out for us to write in and let the new leadership know who we are, what we need, what we think are areas that could use improvement, etc. This is from 2010.

Here goes...

I think you know me! Three girls...I am a social mommy with a husband who works currently every waking hour Monday through Friday...and only sleeps like five hours, so I guess he works some sleeping hours too. I sleep through church because I have narcolepsy, sometimes I leave relief society because I get tired of fighting sleep or possibly snoring in the meeting...but I love the meeting! I hate it when I have callings that take me away from the third hour. I try to be on baby duty so I can stay awake. I am starting a prescription any day to help. I took it to get through college...but am really stubborn about meds and have battled through the past 10 years like a zombie and I am tired of being tired! I hope to add hours to my busy life by just popping a pill once a day. Can't wait. (Pending approval from my insurance). I have a super supportive mother who does all of my laundry...like it is put away in drawers when she is done...and keeps me company two days and one night of the week. I treasure her. I also get all my socializing done with my pal Mimi. If she weren't in our ward I would probably curl up in the fetal position and cry. She is super busy too, but we grocery shop or zumba for our social fixes and it always fits in somehow. We sometimes watch tv in our own houses and have a running commentary through instant messaging and we think we are pretty hilarious because we are.

I have felt like this relief society lacks socializing but I have started social groups like American Idol nights and such and no one really seems interested. I am fine with that, I just thought other people needed what I need so I tried, and it turns out, people don't need that! I love to sew and enjoy it twice as much with company, so if people want to get together and craft...count me in!

I'm happy...thanks for all you do!

Rebecca

Of course I had to write a clarification! I couldn't just leave it at that! Diane put it in the section, "Introduce yourself" and it was such a bizarre introduction! Anyway, read below what I followed up with. I'd say between these two things you get me pretty well unplugged.

Ummmmmmmm...you have now experienced Rebecca Pierce UNPLUGGED. UNEDITED. UNSCRIPTED. I wish I could say that someone hijacked my email account and sent off an email like it was from me...but I can't. For some reason, when I saw Diane's request for us to email her and tell us about ourselves, I thought it was like a "the new Relief Society Presidency wants to get a feel for the sisters, so tell us who you are..." request. I DID NOT think it was a submission to the ward relief society newsletter that would be read by all, I thought probably Joanie and Diane would be basically it. (I am 100% not blaming this on anyone but myself, just in case that would possibly be read into this...I take FULL responsibility.) So...here was my thought process..."Joanie knows me (she has been my kids' piano teacher for the past three years and so she really knows me...and my kids...and our dog's name and all kinds of other things that piano teachers need to know)...so I didn't write the "Hi, I'm Rebecca, a native of WA with three girls that I homeschool. I like popcorn" story, because Joanie KNOWS that stuff. I thought, "what are some things that would tell her more about me, what my needs are, why I sleep in church...if I ever had a crisis...who would you call to find out what was going on with me...just random stuff (I was just waking up, checking my email on my phone in bed, and decided to throw out a response). I didn't reread it or really think twice about what I said, because I just thought I was entertaining Joanie. 

I'm an open book and it is not easy for me to really be embarrassed, but I do feel like I want you all to know that I wasn't intending to tell the whole Relief Society some of the things that I said...I guess it just goes without saying, you can read it and think to yourself, "this was intended for the Relief Society president who already knows her..." and it will hopefully make more sense. 

I have a history of doing these things, so it just has to be one of the things that if you know and love me you have to love about me, because I somehow manage to humiliate myself (and if you are close company, sometimes you get humiliated too) thoroughly every year or so. Here's another example...this one got my husband too...

We were in the Gem Heights ward, and they had a section in the Relief Society binder that was going around that had a column where people could list things that they were looking for and things they were getting rid of. People would list things like, I need a diaper genie or I'm getting rid of a rocking chair. Good idea! So I was going through this diet change and was getting rid of a TON of food...frozen food, meat, flour, sugar, etc. So I listed, I don't know, maybe eight items with an "etc." after it in the WRONG, "Looking for" column. Yes. I was on a hunt for food. Any kind of food, just feed me please. No joke. This went around the Relief Society for like four weeks before the same binder came back to me and I saw it...right there, "Rebecca Pierce is looking for frozen vegetables, chicken, flour, maple syrup, etc." Yes. She needs food, and she isn't going through the Bishop. Just give her some. Any. Food. All food. It was awesome. 

So I'm not able to take back any of the things I said, but if my words alienated, shocked just struck you as bizarre, consider yourself warned. I am the real deal, I'm a wife with a husband who works a lot, my friendships are simple and important to me, I like to socialize more with new, different people, but it's okay if you don't share my need...I have narcolepsy and I'm tired of being tired. Yep, that is pretty much me. Sorry I didn't give you the edited version this time...in case you didn't know, I served a mission in Spain, I have three daughters...one is being baptized in a few weeks. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I have a degree in English from BYU and I love people. All people. I love gay people, simple people, big people, flawed people, boring people, famous people, redundant people, heroic people, political people and a few racist or skinny people. I make really good popcorn. Do you love me now?

I miss myself...

Disclaimer for my kids who might read this before becoming a parent: you will understand when you become a parent, that there is no time you ever regret time spent with your child. Even when they are screaming, your focus is on how to help them stop...sure, you'd rather they were happy, but you love them wholly no matter what, all the time, with an overwhelming love. Still, being a parent is a constant service project...one that is very intense in the beginning, and for a selfish girl like me, that can be hard! I never look into those dreamy eyes and wish I were anywhere else doing anything else, but sometimes...I miss myself.

It has been two months since "little man" Leo joined our family and we all just adore him. However, my life is unrecognizable to me now, again, for the fourth time. I miss my old life and myself sometimes. I know in three years I will be back in my old groove, but it is still hard sometimes to be back in newborn land. I've never regretted the recovery time I have had between each if my kids. Without it I don't know if I would find myself ever again, I might forget who I am. I think I feel bad missing myself because Leo is our last little baby and rumor has it that I should be savoring every minute. I'd say I do love it, it is such a special time and being my fourth, it doesn't overwhelm me or seem like it will never end...but I don't fall into the category of "I hope this lasts forever." 

I miss sharing parenting responsibilities with Chris. He is such an equal parenting partner, but the new baby stage is mostly mine because of breastfeeding. I miss middle of the night interruptions defaulting to him from time to time (or almost all the time).

I miss staying up late alone. I love me some alone time, but I I need my sleep and so I go to bed earlier now.

I miss leaving my house. I love going places! With a little one who only wakes up for like an hour max between long naps, I don't see the point of leaving the house. He may sleep while we run around, but usually I my in my arms, so it's just easier to stay home where he actually gets uninterrupted sleep.

I miss my girls! I am so grateful they are so independent, but I miss talking to them more throughout the day. I spend a lot of time nursing and getting Leo to bed!

I miss deciding what I am going to do and how long I am going to do it...I know in no time at all, he'll be napping on a schedule and I'll be able to determine how I spend his naptime...that will be nice. For now, I miss that control.

I miss bathing. I used to bathe for hours a day...often in the middle of the night...but when Leo wakes up, nether of us want him to scream while I get out, towel dry and race naked to his bedside. Nope.

I am grateful he is mine/ours but I look forward to the day when he is three years old like Betsey and wakes up and goes to find a big sis to help him get breakfast. That will be amazing...and that will never go away again once that happens! :)

Happy Birthday to Leo Warren...and me!

I had a baby! The last baby I will ever have (that never, ever better be an ironic or humorous claim)!!! He is a boy and his name is Leo Warren Pierce. He weighed nine pounds and five ounces, was 21 inches long and had a (big) 15" head. Here's the story... 

 It was my birthday...and my actual due date...I never thought that would happen. I was in Betsey's bed because she had come into our bed, and I felt crowded, so I played musical beds and moved to her bed. I woke up around 7am thinking maybe I was having contractions. I dozed and read a book and dozed most of that hour, feeling excited that I might be going into labor on my own. The plan was to drink a castor oil concoction the next morning if I didn't have him already, and I really, really didn't want to do that. Mimi was in town the 16th-20th, but was gone the 17-18th at a retreat with her sisters-in-law and she would have been back for the birth if I had him on the 19th. I really wanted her to be there, she was there for Betsey's birth and I wanted someone who could take good pics for me to be there. Rachel was my backup photographer, but was busy that morning with a piano recital for her kiddos. 

My mom was up at her house and I knew she had plans to go to the temple that morning, so I texted her first. At this point, I was feeling long, mild contractions and wasn't entirely convinced it was the real thing. Text to my mom at 7:57am: I think I might be in labor...not 100% sure due to previous contraction runs, but this is seeming more consistent and painful...Seriously, on my birthday!??! 

 I didn't hear back from her, but went into our bedroom and found Ruby and Betsey awake, Chris sleeping, in our bed. I sat down and told them what was going on. Chris woke right up. :) Around 8am I had Chris time the contractions. They were about 2 minutes a part and 2.5 minutes long. I called Ann, my midwife at 8:22. She said that real contractions only last around 70 seconds but that mine could change really fast and to call as soon as the "real" ones began. I wasn't super stoked that she wasn't on her way because I really felt like this was the real thing by that time. 

I called my mom and she hadn't gotten my earlier text but was on her way, believing it was really happening. I had Chris time the next four contractions and they were shorter by then and still about 2 minutes apart. I texted Ann after timing the next few contractions at 9:08 and told her it was the real thing. She was in her car en route to some newborn house visits and she said they would reroute to my place. 

I laid down on my side of the bed and told Chris to get the tub set up. He was on it. I think the kids were helping him, and I laid there, cell phone in hand as a few birthday wishes started coming in. 

At 9:14, Stephanie texted me a happy birthday and wanted to know if she could come over to drop something off. I responded at 9:16, "I'm having a baby! He is seriously coming today. I will text when he is here and you can come... Stephanie: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh my gosh! Excited! Good luck! at 9:17 Me: Sooooo don't want to do this! :) but I do, but I don't. at 9:18 

Then Jen Wilcox texted me about my birthday and wanting to see Gatsby. "Happy Happy Birthday Rebecca Dear!!!!! Have you seen Gatsby yet? I want to take you for your birthday. Is that something you would like to do? at 9:26 Me: I really want to see it, but I swear it is rated R. I am in labor. at 9:28 Jennifer: Suck him in! You can't have him on your birthday!! It is PG13!!! at 9:29 

At this point, I was thinking that I was definitely in more pain and starting to want to focus a bit through my contractions. I put my phone down. Ann got there at 9:35 and came in to check me. She found that I was 8cm dilated!!!!! Woot, woot! 

She started hollering orders to her student midwife saying things like, "no, we don't have time for that...do this..." I notice in the labor flow chart she didn't chart anything until I was in the tub. I could tell she felt bad that I wasn't in the water yet and was 8cm dilated. That wasn't her fault, we just didn't have it ready and I think Chris and I both thought we'd have more time. So I stayed where I was and was breathing through contractions at this point. They checked my blood pressure, fetal heartbeat, my temp, etc a time or two while I was there and they were setting up the tub. 

Here is the flow chart...I won't document the Fetal Heart Rate because it was always 140s, and they checked it six times that hour. 

At 9:58 I was in the water. 

At 10:06 I drank a few sips of water. 

At 10:17 I asked Ann if I was complete because my water was in tact and I wanted to have my water broken if I was 10cm so I could get the baby out. Emotionally, I was feeling desperate and very opposed to what I was about to do/and was doing. I haven't ever had that emotional experience during labor. Sure, in past experiences there were fleeting thoughts or moments where I was not thrilled to say the least, but this experience for me, was very different emotionally. I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT. All that got me through was the obligation and knowing that I was in some control of making it happen. 

So, Ann checked me before she figured we'd break my water. My water broke while she was checking me and I was complete. That was at 10:23. 

I told her I was feeling "pushy" soon after, which I can't say was super true, I wasn't feeling like I had to push, but I was just so uncomfortable (in a way I don't remember with the others, I wanted to be deeper in the water, I was HATING it) and I knew from my labor with Ruby that I could push a baby out on my own, pushy or not. I also knew that since I was having contractions (which I didn't have with Ru at this stage) that if I pushed with my contractions, I would likely get him out pretty quick. 

 At 10:28 I wanted to try being on my hands and knees in the water because I wanted more of my belly in the water. I turned around, hoping to find some more comfortable experience. Not so much. I just kept pushing and pushing. 

10:32 crowning. I could tell his head was almost out, but was worried I wasn't going to make it happen because it took a few pushes, unlike the others. I asked Ann, "Am I making progress?" She assured me I was. 

10:34 I heard her say, "I see eyebrows, I see eyes..." 

10:35 His head delivered. I was so happy because I figured if I wanted to give up, she could make the rest happen. I also figured I could do the rest in one more push. She told me to give her one good, long push, and she was worried that his shoulders were stuck, so she did something to turn him on the "oblique". 

Still 10:35, he was all the way out. I love that immediate relief. It's like going from near death to lounging on Davis Beach in an instant. I knew he was there and I was sure he was okay, but I just wanted to chill. I didn't turn around for maybe one minute. I just laid there...so, so, so glad it was over. So sure immediately that I was NEVER EVER going to do that again. Ever.

10:36 His APGAR was a 10. PERFECT!

10:38 Placenta out

10:40 Membranes out

10:40 due to my bleeding with Ruby's birth, they gave me some precautionary pitocin, a shot in my hip. 

10:44 cord clamped and cut

10:48 I was out of tub and on my bed

All the kids were there with me, and my mom was tasked with taking pics with a camera she didn't know how to use, but I think she still got some good shots! Chris thankfully took good pics with his iphone too, and of course that one is auto, so it exposed right. I'm grateful for everything we have!

Midwife, Ann. She loves her job.

 Lisa, the student...charting everything that happens.

 Oma with Betsey and my too complicated camera.

 When I rotate this image, it smashes for some reason, this is what people who aren't busy birthing a 9 pound baby get to do...take fun pics of themselves. Ruby said, "I remember taking that while you were breathing funny." Anyway, I see such a resemblance...maybe it is the signature straight line smile?

 Hating my life.

 More hate.

 A break.

Hahaha...Alice plugging her ears while I pushed. :)

Love this shot! I think Chris has video of this moment.

Does she have the best job in the world (if you can deal with that responsibility)? She just got to hand me my fourth born child!

He cried right away. Love that.

Chris is always emotional. Love him. I would be too if I weren't so caught up in the physical aspect of it.

I really like this shot. Not sure why. I think I was focused on delivering the afterbirth here. I don't ever remember having to push that part out, but in this case, it did take a little focus and effort.

After we cut the cord, I needed to get out of the tub so we could gauge my bleeding.

All four of our kids in one shot!

Right when I got in bed, Ruby brought me a huge cookie she had bought me with her own money at the YMCA while there for gymnastics. She is so sweet. I had gestational diabetes this pregnancy and couldn't have really any sweets for too long...so once that placenta delivers, the gestational diabetes is gone with it and she wanted me to have something tasty right away! Love her!

Lisa, the student midwife. There is also an assistant there, but I don't think I have any pics of her. She was at Betsey's birth too and she is Ann's daughter, Alyssa. She's attended a ton of births as an assistant.

First thing to do is get that little guy on the breast. Here I am getting him latched for the first time with three kids mounting me. Eventually we got Betsey off of me because it was a little too much.

Other side...

Next is baby's newborn exam. We got his stats! He was a big baby, but not my biggest...Betsey gets that award.

I think he resembles ET here.

Oma with Leo before his exam.

He was born so wide-eyed.

Alice trying to comfort him with her finger in his mouth.

Mmmmm...as tempting as it is to leave this pic out, it isn't the worst one I am posting. We took him into his room to diaper and dress him.

Time with the sisters...

 When everyone finally left around 2pm, it was mommy, Leo and daddy rest time. I didn't sleep much...I read and dozed and wished I was sleeping. Leo and Chris were zonked. I took a few pics...

 I love his chubby fingers!

 In the evening, I ventured downstairs for my, I mean our, birthday party.

Oma and the kids...minus Betsey (which is a miracle, she doesn't allow a lot of space between she and her Oma)

Opa came to visit, he was there when we woke up from our naps and stayed for the birthday fun. Here he was reading us something from his ipad. 

 I requested a homemade chicken pot pie and Alice cut in the words...so sweet! Love her.

This little girl has been so excited to be a big sister. 

 Blowing out the homemade carrot cake candles. The girls were hard at work while we napped baking and making dinner.

 Sound asleep...

 I'm so glad that day is over, and that Leo and I have many more birthdays to look forward to celebrating together...that will have nothing to do with pushing unless we are eating push up pops or he's in a stroller at the zoo...I am smitten with him. He has the craziest, squeakiest newborn cry I have ever heard. It makes us all laugh. I also feel like he is my child most attuned to mommy...he just seems to like me best for soothing him, etc. He is a pro eater and didn't have any jaundice worth mentioning. He had cloudy eyes for a day or two but never got very yellow looking...and then it was gone fast. YAY! Obviously this is my most special, memorable birthday to date...and I'm sure that has very little chance of ever changing.