Ruby is my first, my guinea pig...as Barbara Kingsolver's character Orleanna described, "she's my best foot forward". She had a birthday, and this post was supposed to be about that, but it transitioned as I wrote...birthday post to come.
I remember what it was like to be the perfect parent. It lasted three years...maybe a little longer. I was totally turned on all the time for that first one, it was so lovely to give her my undivided attention. I remember cringing when I'd see a parent give their child a french fry or say "no" to their little one. I never raised my voice to my first little pride and joy. We took baths together for hours, I fell asleep with her for every nap, I'd read her stories we'd pick out at the library and I even returned them on time. I was a different mom then, and it was painful to let go of that part of my life, as much as we wanted to welcome another little one.
Last week, I was having fun showing the girls old pictures that they haven't seen, I was struck by that feeling that I used to have about that perfect little toddler of mine. She was so cute! I love being a first time parent because you literally can't love anything like you love that first born! That doesn't mean that you continue to love that child more than the ones that follow, but there's something so all consuming about the first born! I think of it as love divided, not multiplied. I hope that doesn't sound negative, I love my kids and know that I will love them all equally their whole lives! If the epitome of love is equal to the number 100, I still have love at 100, I just love two...and soon three.
Sometimes there are moments when all 100 are focused on one kid, I love those moments. Like today, when Alice told Ruby she could keep and eat all of the candy her church teacher gave her for Christmas "because you are always so nice to me." That was 100 love for Alice at that moment. The other day, when Alice was earning herself a spank (not common), and I swatted her bum, Ruby cried harder than Alice and told me, "next time spank me, not Alice, she's my best playmate, ever!" That was 100 love for Ruby. It's one of my life's greatest joys to have two little girls who are truly best friends.
Maybe a better analogy is that I feel like you are in the dating/engagement phase with that first one. You are high you love so intensely. I remember all the really normal baby things that Ruby would do, like rooting reflexes or that darling sleep grin or when their lips nurse in their sleep like they are sucking on something. I used to think those were Ruby-specific, I'd tell everyone about them, and I know my mom clued me in once about how ALL healthy babies do those things! For me, having more children was like entering the married stage of parenting. It is richer, it is better, but it is harder and while the love is deeper and more sure, the daily, 24/7 twitterpation is gone...thank goodness it still comes and goes!
I love being a mom to two kids. I can't wait to be a mom to three! I am so excited to bounce a smiling baby on my lap and to have a 7 month old who discovers how to make embarrassing noises with her mouth during a prayer at church (that happened today, it was so cute). I look forward to first smiles, schedules and steps...and enjoying all that with my two helper moms, Ruby and Alice (and of course Chris, but this post isn't about him).
1 comment:
I totally understand your post. And now that I have 5 I've completely forgotten what it was like with only 1. Such a far distant memory. It's amazing how much love your heart can hold. And how the love for each of them is so.....different. Not better or worse for any of them. Just different.
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